ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on