[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.