Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name