Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I miss this era type of pranks😭
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down