“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.