The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.