Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas