I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
omg leave her alone
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.