MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.