I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.