I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
#titanic