police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say