They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.