Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
tis the season
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.