My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
me before I type out affect or effect
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
welp
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A man of commitment.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW