friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control