Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Breaking news:
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry