When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.