cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
this is funnier than any friends episode
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.