INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!