Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
That’s fair
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.