Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.