I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.