accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap