Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.