Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄