Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.