My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth