Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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Why is this me 😫
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I have never related to a cat more
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”