Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.