discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.