I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Ferrari squats
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
And now we wait
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Traveler’s camo
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.