All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
You Might Also Like
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.