If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?