My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.