Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
new record!