You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
the three genders
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*