What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
describing stardew valley
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”