My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Happy Taco Tuesday
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.