I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do