Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Brother?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart