I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it