“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
doing some research