Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Finally!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Have kids, they said
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example