Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I really had high hopes for this year though
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Spell check is for lasers.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors