just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
R.I.P.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
#ParentingFacts
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Leaving the Barbers like
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it