Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds