Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back