This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait