rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Perfect.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
What the dentist sees
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.